


The Safety Dance

by kyrrann



Series: IT Crowd Drabbles [3]
Category: IT Crowd
Genre: Bikini Goats, Comedy, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Janice in Accounting, Safety Dance, Silly, Stripper Sushi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:32:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9834872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrrann/pseuds/kyrrann
Summary: Mr. Reynholm decides that the IT department needs to make a presentation on internet safety.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the Song Challenge for the All Fandoms FanFiction and Original Fiction Writer's Group.

**To: IT Group <itgroup@reynholmindustries.co.uk>**  
**From: Douglas Reynholm <thebigcheese@reynholmindustries.co.uk>**  
**Subject: Interweb Safety**

Hey you! Basement dwellers!

It has come to my attention that there are people in this company who could use a refresher on internet safety. From what I understand, the internet is a series of tubes through which tiny gnomes and faery folk whisk information back and forth at an incredible speed. We need to make sure that if they are sick, they stay at home and not infect my computer with their nasty, little viruses.

I need you to do some sort of presentation thingee. Perhaps with costumes. And songs! I do so love a good musical. Have you seen La La Land? Brilliant stuff! Anyway, all the bigwigs in the company will be there, me being the biggest. Meeting is tomorrow at 2pm. Make it good or you're fired.  Ha! Just kidding.

But seriously, if I'm not amused, you'll be fired.

Your Boss,  
Douglas Reynholm

PS: This, of course, has nothing at all to do with videos of bikini goats that were recently found on my hard drive. I was merely thinking of starting a goat farm and was attempting to learn more about the culture of these gentle creatures. I am sure that all such things were completely free of viruses when I sent them to my lady friends in accounting. Well, except I didn’t send them to Janice. Everyone knows that Janice in accounting couldn’t give a fuck.

* * *

Roy looked up from his desk and glanced over at Moss. “Have you seen this piece of ridiculous drivel Mr. Reynholm just emailed us?”

Moss turned his head to face his officemate. “You mean the email that is directing us to do a well thought out and important presentation on the Internet and how to stay abreast of its many dangers and pitfalls?”

“Yes, Moss,” Roy sighed. “That email. Can you believe that he wants us to do this by tomorrow? I mean, when the website address is bikinigoats.virusesrus.co.uk, it’s kind of a giveaway. He infected the entire company and he expects us to smooth it over. Stupid bastard!”

“Hello Roy!” Douglas Reynholm called out from the doorway, eyes narrowed and arms crossed.

Roy’s face went pale and he stood up, nervously fidgeting. “Um….yes, well. Those stupid bastard...gnomes and faery folk!  Infecting your computer the way they did. It’s shocking.”

Mr. Reynholm uncrossed his arms and smiled. “Yes, isn’t it? Sticking their tiny gnome fingers where they don’t belong. I don’t know where gnomes usually stick their fingers, but bikini goats should not be one of them. Those precious creatures deserve better.”

Jen walked into the room from her office holding a piece of paper in her hands. “Have you two seen this ridiculousness? Mister Reynholm wants us to…”

“Jen, it’s so great to see you!” Mr. Reynholm walked over to her and pointed to the piece of paper she was carrying. “Oh wait! That’s my email. Do you find something about it ridiculous?”

Jen grimaced. “Oh, of course not, Mr. Reynholm. I, uh, was just going to say that it is so ridiculous that those gnome creatures are allowed into our computers.”

“Isn’t it though? Can’t keep the nasty little buggers out.” Mr. Reynholm looked over at Roy. “I thought that is why you put a wall of fire in it. Roy, why doesn’t the wall of fire keep out the gnomes?”

Roy covered his eyes with his hand. “You mean a firewall?”

Moss stood up and cleared his throat. “Oh, firewalls don’t work like that Mr. Reynholm. A firewall, at its most basic level is…”

Roy shook his head and mouthed the word _no_  in an attempt to stop him from talking.  Turning back to Mr. Reynholm he exclaimed, "Yes.  You’re exactly right, Mr. Reynholm. They must have bought fire extinguishers.

“Or used their faery magic,” Mr. Reynholm suggested.

“Of course,” Roy said, rolling his eyes, “They must have used their faery magic. You know what stops the faeries from using their magic? Not downloading videos on on goat porn sites!”

Mr. Reynholm laughed. “Oh don’t be silly, Roy. It’s not porn. It’s art! Besides, how else would I get videos of goats in bikinis? Tell me how a site such as bikinigoatonbikinigoat.ihazvirus.co.uk possibly be harmful?”

“Bikinigoat on what?!” Roy sputtered, looking at his boss in disbelief.

“I'll send you the link. You won’t be disappointed.” Mr. Reynholm winked at him, causing Roy to shudder. Turning his attention back to Jen, Mr. Reynholm asked, “So, you’ll give the presentation?”

She looked at him. “Do we really have a choice?”

Mr. Reynholm grinned widely and placed his hand on her shoulder. “No, you really don’t. I’ll see you tomorrow at 2pm.” He started for the door before turning around and pointing a finger at Jen. “Oh, if you would like to wear a bikini to the presentation, I’ve got some goat horns you can wear. Think about it.”

He made a clicking sound out of the side of his mouth and left the room.

Jen stared at the doorway, eyes blinking. “Can you believe that man? I am _not_ dressing up like a goat for his amusement.”

Moss sat down on his chair and began typing at his computer. “I don’t know Jen. Goat cosplay is the hit of all the comic book conventions around the….”

Roy held out his hand and shook his head no again. “Moss, no. Just no.” Walking to the other side of the room, he plopped down on the couch. “So what do we do about this speech then?”

From his chair, Moss raised his hand in the air. “Oh! Oh!!”

Jen sat down next to Roy and looked at him. “I don’t know anything about computer gnomey things. How am I supposed to write it?  What about you, Roy? Can't you write it?” 

“No,” Roy said, picking up a magazine from one of the cushions and flipping through the pages.

Moss raised his other hand gesturing even more wildly. “Oh!! Ooooooh!”

“Well, why not?” Jen looked at him, lips pursed.

“Don’t want to,” he replied, not bothering to look up from the magazine.

Moss began jumping up and down. “Ooooh!!! Ooooh!!”

Jen stood up and faced him. “What is it, Moss? We are trying to figure out who is going to write this safety presentation.”

Moss put his hands on his hips. “Hello! What am I? Chopped lettuce?”

“You mean chopped liver,” Jen corrected him.

Moss shook his head. “No, chopped lettuce. Mum is a vegetarian these days and I’m not allowed to talk about meat anymore.”

Jen began to say something but Roy put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. She took the hint and didn’t pursue the matter.

“So you want to write the speech, Moss?” Roy asked, looking over his shoulder at his friend. “Really? Are you sure?”

“Of course I am,” he stated as he sat back down in his chair and began typing.  "I've already started writing it."

“Remember what happened last time you wrote a speech? You know, the one you wrote for the participants of your flea circus? It was a disaster,” Roy reminded him.

“What are you talking about?” Moss looked incredulous. “That was a brilliant speech. It’s not my fault they refused to sit still and listen.”

“Uh, huh,” Roy said, turning back to his magazine. “I bet it also wasn’t your fault that they burned down their circus and leapt to their deaths from your bedroom window before you were even halfway through your speech?”

“That’s not fair, Roy!” Moss yelled back at him before covering his eyes with his hands and starting to sob. “Those fleas were my friends! I’d known them since they were babies!”

Jen sighed heavily. “Okay Moss, you can…”

Roy threw down the magazine and pulled on her elbow. He shook his head and pleaded, “No Jen! Don’t do it! That way lies madness!”

Jen pulled her elbow away and glared down at him. “Look neither one of us wants to do it. What harm could it really do?”

Roy picked up the magazine again and began to angrily flip through the pages. “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Jen turned back to Moss. “You can write the speech. Just make sure it’s good, all right?”

Moss removed his hands from his face and beamed at her. “I won’t let you down, Jen!”

Roy covered his mouth, made a coughing sound and grumbled. “Your funeral.”

* * *

Moss stood near the back of the conference room where a small stage had been erected when Roy and Jen walked in. He looked up, frown on his face. “Well, it’s about time you two got here. I’ve been waiting for ages!”

Roy gave him a confused look. “But you just left us five minutes ago and said ‘Hey guys, I’ll see you in 5 minutes.”

Moss looked at his watch. “That was exactly 5 minutes and 33 seconds ago, Roy!”

Jen stepped between them and held up her hands to keep them apart. “Boys, come on. We’re here to do this speech and then get the hell out before Mr. Reynholm decides to take us all out for stripper sushi again.”

Moss thrust out his hands and gave a piece of paper to both Jen and Roy. “Here are your scripts. Just read what's on it and I’ll take care of the rest.”

Roy looked at him skeptically. “So all we have to do is read from the script?”

“Yes. Oh, and here are your costumes.” He reached into a bag and held out two costumes that looked like they had been stolen from the local Renaissance Faire.

Jen held up the dress and Moss put a cone shaped hat on her head. “So you want us to actually...wear these?”

Roy looked at her. “What did I tell you? But no, you insisted that he write the speech.” He turned to face Moss. “And why does she get a hat? I want a hat!”

Moss clapped his hand on Roy’s shoulder. “Oh Roy, don’t be silly. We’re men without hats!” He pointed to the curtain behind them.  “Now get back there and change. It’s almost showtime!” Moss said excitedly.

Jen tucked the clothing under her arm and disappeared behind the curtain to get changed. “Fine, let’s just get this over with.”

* * *

The room was filled with unenthusiastic employees from various departments. Several stern looking men in expensive suits were seated in the front row with their arms crossed and brows furrowed. Mr. Reynholm sat on the edge of his chair beaming with excitement.

A squeal of feedback rang out across the room. “Ladies and gentlemen…..and Janice,” Moss’ voice boomed over the loudspeaker. “We in the IT department have put together a little skit for you today on internet safety. I’ve tentatively called it “Moats, not goats. Learning the internet safety dance.“

The lights dimmed.  From the floor, a multicolored discoball lit up and began to whirl around, throwing lightballs all over the walls.  As a sing song melody began to play over the speakers, the curtain at the back of the room parted and Jen was pushed out onto the stage. She was in full costume, which included a full length skirt, a shirt with long flowing sleeves and a bodice. Stepping up to the microphone, she adjusted her pointy hat and cleared her throat.

“Ahem, welcome everyone to our little presentation here today,” she read from the paper in her hand. “I’m Jen Barbour, from the IT department. And we are here to teach you a little something about internet safety. An internet safety dance, of sorts.”

“Stop pushing me, Moss! I’m not going out there in this ridiculous get up. You can just shove this script up your…” Before he could finish the sentence, the curtain opened and Roy was pushed out onto the stage sporting a bright green tunic and black tights. He looked out at the audience and gulped. “Oh, hi.”

“The paper, Roy!” came Moss’ voice behind the curtain. “Read from the paper. You do know how to read, don’t you?”

“Of course I know how to read.” Roy argued looking in the direction of Moss’ voice. “I just don’t want to read this!”

“An internet safety dance!” Jen yelled in a high pitched voice, interrupting the two men.

“Oh fine,” Roy huffed before he began to skip across the stage. Looking down at the paper, he spoke.

“We can do the internet safety dance if we want to,  
We can leave your friends behind.  
‘Cause your friends don’t do the internet safety dance,  
And if they don’t do the internet safety dance.  
Well, they’re no friends of mine.”

Roy stopped skipping and turned to face the curtain. “Really, Moss? This is your brilliant speech?!”

“Just keep going! You’re ruining everything!” came the muffled voice.

Roy turned back to the audience and gave an awkward smile. “I think what this little speech is trying to get is across is that everyone should stop going to stupid goat porn websites, downloading the videos and sending them to everyone on the planet! Thank you, I’ll get going now.”

Moss piped up again. “That’s not in the script, Roy! Jen, can you continue please? This is my big part coming up.”

Jen stepped back up to the microphone. “Now the internet is a thing of magic and wonder. And we, your IT department, are here to help you when issues do arise. We can be your beacon of light in such a dark world.” She pointed to a laptop computer set up on a table at the far end of the stage. On either side of the computer was a row of lit candles “For example, what do you do when you get a virus?”

Moss burst out of stage wearing black shorts, a black tank top, a red hat and carrying a whip. “When a virus comes along, you must whip it!”

He strutted over to the laptop and tried to hit it with the whip. He missed the computer by a wide margin but managed to knock over a couple of the candles. “Before you send it to your friends, you must whip it!”

He threw out his whip again, this time knocking over the other row of candles. He turned to face the audience. “When something’s going wrong, you must whip it!”

Fire started to spread from the candles and up the curtains. In a panic, Roy ran to pull them down and threw them in a big pile on the floor. Instead of smothering the flames, the fire grew. Not knowing what else to do, he turned to the audience and forced himself to smiled, pretending it was a part of the show. From behind him he could hear Moss continuing to hit the curtains with his whip while Jen called for a fire extinguisher.

Fake smile still plastered on his face, he addressed the audience. “Uh, thank you very much everyone. That concludes our little presentation this afternoon. We hope you enjoyed it. Especially the extra crispy bits, which were totally and completely done on purpose in a demonstration of exactly how quickly a virus can spread.”

Mr Reynholm stood up and clapped. “Great job IT department! Other than the unsavory references our goat friends, it was bloody brilliant! Come along everyone! Stripper sushi on me!”

Everyone followed Mr. Reynholm out the door. Roy put his hands up to his mouth and called after the group, “Um, if someone in wouldn’t mind pulling the fire alarm on their way out, it would be very much appreciated. You know. Before I die of smoke inhalation and everything.”

“That went well,” said Jen, fire extinguisher in hand and looking somewhat befuddled.

“It was brilliant!” Moss exclaimed proudly. “Who’s in the mood for sushi?”


End file.
